The best part of this week is probably the fact that about 2 minutes I bought the Zac Brown album. Now I have 14 new songs to occupy me as I travel to hockey games. Most think my sense of music is, to put it plainly, lame. But it makes me smile, and lately there isn't much that can make me do that. I'll stick to my lame music.
Well my music was a good thing while it lasted. I download music directly onto my iTouch and for some reason it disconnected in the process of downloading, so one song got lost in transit. I paid for it and can't find it anywhere. Life is unfair sometimes - and it was a good song too. Shoot. I sent my problem report - they better fix it!
Something just isn't right. I am stuck in a rut. I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I've spent most of the past 3 years in a rut. I should be comfortable in this place by now. I'm not. It just gets to me every once in a while, and I guess this would be one such occasion. I need a change. I find my days challenging. Probably more challenging now than they have ever been, but I am longing for something different. I would never change what I am doing, that part is okay. I just need something new. Something different. It's hard to explain. I don't understand it and I don't expect that anybody else would. Maybe I don't take enough chances. Maybe I overlook opportunities that are staring me in the face. Maybe I am really scared about change. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.
I feel like continuing with the bitching. I'm really tired of getting up early, but the days when I don't have to, I still get up early as I feel guilty for doing nothing. I'm tired of the poor drivers that put the well being of my car at stake on nearly every trip I make. It's depressing coming home every day to an empty place, but probably good because that way my complaining doesn't drag others down. I'm tired of smiling and pretending that everything really is okay (even though most of the time it is.) I wish I didn't spend my Sunday's worrying about the week to come, and that I didn't need to spend my Saturday's dwelling on the week that's past. I love living by my routine but wish that I was forced to abandon it more often. It scares me that I have trained myself to become numb to many issues that surround me. I miss the feeling of truly getting excited for something. It would be good if I didn't wake up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday thinking that it's Friday. It makes for a long week. I don't like the fact that I get fixated on small issues that I have no control over - like being bothered about the music issue that I mentioned above. I'm tired of rushing and rushing until life is no fun, not enjoying the little things and always having a plethora of thoughts running through my overactive mind.
As much as I moan and gripe things are probably pretty good. Even though I've lost some of my drive to wake up in the morning, I do find myself smiling, genuinely smiling, often throughout the day. If it weren't for those kids there would be a piece of me missing. They are the motivation that I need to get me through the day. They are the reason why, deep down, I know that I'm doing what I should be doing. My last two weekends have been some of the best in a long while. I've truly enjoyed myself. It hasn't exactly been cheap, but once again, that would be my own flawed decision making. I have a feeling this Saturday will match up nicely. Maybe a chance to forget all that's gone on....even if just for an evening.
The only reason I'm still awake is because I had a hot chocolate this evening. I am physically and mentally exhausted and know that tomorrow being Friday is a blessing. I think I can handle one more day. I'm ready for a break.
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Thursday, November 20, 2008
It's Not OK
The best part of this week is probably the fact that about 2 minutes I bought the Zac Brown album. Now I have 14 new songs to occupy me as I travel to hockey games. Most think my sense of music is, to put it plainly, lame. But it makes me smile, and lately there isn't much that can make me do that. I'll stick to my lame music.
Well my music was a good thing while it lasted. I download music directly onto my iTouch and for some reason it disconnected in the process of downloading, so one song got lost in transit. I paid for it and can't find it anywhere. Life is unfair sometimes - and it was a good song too. Shoot. I sent my problem report - they better fix it!
Something just isn't right. I am stuck in a rut. I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I've spent most of the past 3 years in a rut. I should be comfortable in this place by now. I'm not. It just gets to me every once in a while, and I guess this would be one such occasion. I need a change. I find my days challenging. Probably more challenging now than they have ever been, but I am longing for something different. I would never change what I am doing, that part is okay. I just need something new. Something different. It's hard to explain. I don't understand it and I don't expect that anybody else would. Maybe I don't take enough chances. Maybe I overlook opportunities that are staring me in the face. Maybe I am really scared about change. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.
I feel like continuing with the bitching. I'm really tired of getting up early, but the days when I don't have to, I still get up early as I feel guilty for doing nothing. I'm tired of the poor drivers that put the well being of my car at stake on nearly every trip I make. It's depressing coming home every day to an empty place, but probably good because that way my complaining doesn't drag others down. I'm tired of smiling and pretending that everything really is okay (even though most of the time it is.) I wish I didn't spend my Sunday's worrying about the week to come, and that I didn't need to spend my Saturday's dwelling on the week that's past. I love living by my routine but wish that I was forced to abandon it more often. It scares me that I have trained myself to become numb to many issues that surround me. I miss the feeling of truly getting excited for something. It would be good if I didn't wake up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday thinking that it's Friday. It makes for a long week. I don't like the fact that I get fixated on small issues that I have no control over - like being bothered about the music issue that I mentioned above. I'm tired of rushing and rushing until life is no fun, not enjoying the little things and always having a plethora of thoughts running through my overactive mind.
As much as I moan and gripe things are probably pretty good. Even though I've lost some of my drive to wake up in the morning, I do find myself smiling, genuinely smiling, often throughout the day. If it weren't for those kids there would be a piece of me missing. They are the motivation that I need to get me through the day. They are the reason why, deep down, I know that I'm doing what I should be doing. My last two weekends have been some of the best in a long while. I've truly enjoyed myself. It hasn't exactly been cheap, but once again, that would be my own flawed decision making. I have a feeling this Saturday will match up nicely. Maybe a chance to forget all that's gone on....even if just for an evening.
The only reason I'm still awake is because I had a hot chocolate this evening. I am physically and mentally exhausted and know that tomorrow being Friday is a blessing. I think I can handle one more day. I'm ready for a break.
Well my music was a good thing while it lasted. I download music directly onto my iTouch and for some reason it disconnected in the process of downloading, so one song got lost in transit. I paid for it and can't find it anywhere. Life is unfair sometimes - and it was a good song too. Shoot. I sent my problem report - they better fix it!
Something just isn't right. I am stuck in a rut. I don't know why it's bothering me so much. I've spent most of the past 3 years in a rut. I should be comfortable in this place by now. I'm not. It just gets to me every once in a while, and I guess this would be one such occasion. I need a change. I find my days challenging. Probably more challenging now than they have ever been, but I am longing for something different. I would never change what I am doing, that part is okay. I just need something new. Something different. It's hard to explain. I don't understand it and I don't expect that anybody else would. Maybe I don't take enough chances. Maybe I overlook opportunities that are staring me in the face. Maybe I am really scared about change. Maybe one day I'll figure it out.
I feel like continuing with the bitching. I'm really tired of getting up early, but the days when I don't have to, I still get up early as I feel guilty for doing nothing. I'm tired of the poor drivers that put the well being of my car at stake on nearly every trip I make. It's depressing coming home every day to an empty place, but probably good because that way my complaining doesn't drag others down. I'm tired of smiling and pretending that everything really is okay (even though most of the time it is.) I wish I didn't spend my Sunday's worrying about the week to come, and that I didn't need to spend my Saturday's dwelling on the week that's past. I love living by my routine but wish that I was forced to abandon it more often. It scares me that I have trained myself to become numb to many issues that surround me. I miss the feeling of truly getting excited for something. It would be good if I didn't wake up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday thinking that it's Friday. It makes for a long week. I don't like the fact that I get fixated on small issues that I have no control over - like being bothered about the music issue that I mentioned above. I'm tired of rushing and rushing until life is no fun, not enjoying the little things and always having a plethora of thoughts running through my overactive mind.
As much as I moan and gripe things are probably pretty good. Even though I've lost some of my drive to wake up in the morning, I do find myself smiling, genuinely smiling, often throughout the day. If it weren't for those kids there would be a piece of me missing. They are the motivation that I need to get me through the day. They are the reason why, deep down, I know that I'm doing what I should be doing. My last two weekends have been some of the best in a long while. I've truly enjoyed myself. It hasn't exactly been cheap, but once again, that would be my own flawed decision making. I have a feeling this Saturday will match up nicely. Maybe a chance to forget all that's gone on....even if just for an evening.
The only reason I'm still awake is because I had a hot chocolate this evening. I am physically and mentally exhausted and know that tomorrow being Friday is a blessing. I think I can handle one more day. I'm ready for a break.
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