Relationships require hard work. My natural tendency is to avoid relationships, especially with those around my age or older. Relationships with kids and students has always seemed to come easier for me. My experience as of late, however, is that even these relationships are requiring more work than I'm used to. Something must be wrong with me.
I consciously approach each new day as a fresh start. I continue to train myself to learn from "mini disasters" , release my frustrations, and come to class the next day with a fresh and positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that some days, despite the most noble of intentions, are going to remain a struggle from beginning to end. I still believe my actions have a lot to do with the dynamics in the class, but in order to sleep at night I have to convince myself that I did the best that I could do AT THE TIME any of the incidents did arise. There are almost always things I would change after the fact, but the moment I made each individual decision I did so with the best interest of the class in mind. I tell myself this often, but fail to believe. Something must be wrong with me.
I'm not a wedding person. It takes significant prodding for me to talk about the wedding let alone actually think that I will plan one. I have yet to tell a person face to face that I am getting married without first being asked. Does this mean I don't want to be married? Absolutely not. It simply means that something must be wrong with me. I am looking forward to being married, but I'm not into talking about, or bringing attention to the matter. (The ironic thing is that now I'm writing about it. But I'd rather write than talk).
I am selfish, unable to share my excitement of the wedding with others, and have allowed my short comings to ruin bonds between friends that were once strong. I feel as though I give nothing and take everything. I can't fathom why anyone would so much as want to marry me.
Students in my class have been working on writing memoirs. As I read I generate a list of "next steps" each student can take to revise their draft. I got to thinking that I needed my own list of "next steps." I decided that step one was to push myself out of my comfort zone and prove, through words and actions, that I am excited to get married. I convinced myself that writing it on this lonely blog page could be considered a proclamation.
I think writing this makes me vulnerable. People may think I'm writing to convince myself that I am excited. I trust that you will believe me when I say that is not the case at all. What hurts the most is knowing that I don't the ability to express all those wonderful feelings of excitement that are inside. It's not fair for Sean. It's not fair for me. I need to believe that I deserve to embrace and enjoy this moment.
Everyday I struggle with decisions regarding what to teach, what to say, what to eat, and what to spend my time doing. The one thing I have never struggled with is my decision to get married. As a chronic second-guesser, if there was any decision I was completely confident in, it would be the decision to get married. I know this because when my day is bad I can't wait to get home and see Sean because my day will become brighter. When my day is great I can't wait to be home and see Sean because I know we will enjoy it together. In a life that seems to get rough and bumpy, I am forever grateful for Sean and my family to lean on to get me through.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
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Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Hard Work
Relationships require hard work. My natural tendency is to avoid relationships, especially with those around my age or older. Relationships with kids and students has always seemed to come easier for me. My experience as of late, however, is that even these relationships are requiring more work than I'm used to. Something must be wrong with me.
I consciously approach each new day as a fresh start. I continue to train myself to learn from "mini disasters" , release my frustrations, and come to class the next day with a fresh and positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that some days, despite the most noble of intentions, are going to remain a struggle from beginning to end. I still believe my actions have a lot to do with the dynamics in the class, but in order to sleep at night I have to convince myself that I did the best that I could do AT THE TIME any of the incidents did arise. There are almost always things I would change after the fact, but the moment I made each individual decision I did so with the best interest of the class in mind. I tell myself this often, but fail to believe. Something must be wrong with me.
I'm not a wedding person. It takes significant prodding for me to talk about the wedding let alone actually think that I will plan one. I have yet to tell a person face to face that I am getting married without first being asked. Does this mean I don't want to be married? Absolutely not. It simply means that something must be wrong with me. I am looking forward to being married, but I'm not into talking about, or bringing attention to the matter. (The ironic thing is that now I'm writing about it. But I'd rather write than talk).
I am selfish, unable to share my excitement of the wedding with others, and have allowed my short comings to ruin bonds between friends that were once strong. I feel as though I give nothing and take everything. I can't fathom why anyone would so much as want to marry me.
Students in my class have been working on writing memoirs. As I read I generate a list of "next steps" each student can take to revise their draft. I got to thinking that I needed my own list of "next steps." I decided that step one was to push myself out of my comfort zone and prove, through words and actions, that I am excited to get married. I convinced myself that writing it on this lonely blog page could be considered a proclamation.
I think writing this makes me vulnerable. People may think I'm writing to convince myself that I am excited. I trust that you will believe me when I say that is not the case at all. What hurts the most is knowing that I don't the ability to express all those wonderful feelings of excitement that are inside. It's not fair for Sean. It's not fair for me. I need to believe that I deserve to embrace and enjoy this moment.
Everyday I struggle with decisions regarding what to teach, what to say, what to eat, and what to spend my time doing. The one thing I have never struggled with is my decision to get married. As a chronic second-guesser, if there was any decision I was completely confident in, it would be the decision to get married. I know this because when my day is bad I can't wait to get home and see Sean because my day will become brighter. When my day is great I can't wait to be home and see Sean because I know we will enjoy it together. In a life that seems to get rough and bumpy, I am forever grateful for Sean and my family to lean on to get me through.
I consciously approach each new day as a fresh start. I continue to train myself to learn from "mini disasters" , release my frustrations, and come to class the next day with a fresh and positive outlook. I am beginning to realize that some days, despite the most noble of intentions, are going to remain a struggle from beginning to end. I still believe my actions have a lot to do with the dynamics in the class, but in order to sleep at night I have to convince myself that I did the best that I could do AT THE TIME any of the incidents did arise. There are almost always things I would change after the fact, but the moment I made each individual decision I did so with the best interest of the class in mind. I tell myself this often, but fail to believe. Something must be wrong with me.
I'm not a wedding person. It takes significant prodding for me to talk about the wedding let alone actually think that I will plan one. I have yet to tell a person face to face that I am getting married without first being asked. Does this mean I don't want to be married? Absolutely not. It simply means that something must be wrong with me. I am looking forward to being married, but I'm not into talking about, or bringing attention to the matter. (The ironic thing is that now I'm writing about it. But I'd rather write than talk).
I am selfish, unable to share my excitement of the wedding with others, and have allowed my short comings to ruin bonds between friends that were once strong. I feel as though I give nothing and take everything. I can't fathom why anyone would so much as want to marry me.
Students in my class have been working on writing memoirs. As I read I generate a list of "next steps" each student can take to revise their draft. I got to thinking that I needed my own list of "next steps." I decided that step one was to push myself out of my comfort zone and prove, through words and actions, that I am excited to get married. I convinced myself that writing it on this lonely blog page could be considered a proclamation.
I think writing this makes me vulnerable. People may think I'm writing to convince myself that I am excited. I trust that you will believe me when I say that is not the case at all. What hurts the most is knowing that I don't the ability to express all those wonderful feelings of excitement that are inside. It's not fair for Sean. It's not fair for me. I need to believe that I deserve to embrace and enjoy this moment.
Everyday I struggle with decisions regarding what to teach, what to say, what to eat, and what to spend my time doing. The one thing I have never struggled with is my decision to get married. As a chronic second-guesser, if there was any decision I was completely confident in, it would be the decision to get married. I know this because when my day is bad I can't wait to get home and see Sean because my day will become brighter. When my day is great I can't wait to be home and see Sean because I know we will enjoy it together. In a life that seems to get rough and bumpy, I am forever grateful for Sean and my family to lean on to get me through.
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